MEMOIRS

"I know about the book I said to the astrologer reading my cards. But I am not going to write it. I suppose it will happen in my next life," I sighed eager to move to the next topic.  Every time I had the occasional reading “the book or is it two? and the associated travel abroad” would show up. 

'Writing a book is daunting. The fiction and nonfiction books I read leave me in awe of the task the writer  undertook. It’s over my head. Too much energy. Too much time. I have no plans to push myself into a grueli"ng schedule of writing every day for months. It’s not happening".

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 The books Running with Scissors, Educated, Eat Pray Love, Glass Castles, ‘Tis, and Stray to name a few memorable titles were written by individuals who overcame tremendous obstacles beginning in childhood.  Their bravery, vulnerability, and dark humor; such hearts, such souls are more than any friendship could provide.   

I rode my bike as far as I wanted, once across the city to North Philadelphia, notorious for poverty and crime. I swam in the river.  Ten years old, I crossed a fifteen feet waterfall, climbing over boulders with a stick.  Freedom was my friend and my nemesis.

 Since I had become pregnant again at Herman's insistence that Theodore should have a sibling, this new child received only a reluctant welcome. Is that a mean thing to say? I wish that I had a dream to be a mother because these were two beautiful and healthy babies.  

 I learned to be a survivor.  It came in handy dealing with the Principal at the school I was teaching. 

I was in fifth grade when I began getting anonymous phone calls from a man. The year would have been 1970. It was impossible to have a private conversation. That didn’t matter in our household. No one cared who you spoke to or what you said.

 Making A Living In The Conventional Arena  A creative person can have enormous difficulty finding a suitable employment environment. We see things from a different perspective. But our ideas often are ignored. Perhaps our advanced observation skills threaten our superiors. 

Transformation and metaphysical studies including A Course In Miracles & Eckhart Tolle

I stopped having any interest in the world. If you accuse me of living in a bubble, you would be correct! 

Read a portion of this story in my blog!

 My foray into the world of kink. One thing about kink is that it often does not involve any sex acts. When my clients were immersed in their world of fantasy they would enter a form of peaceful trance-like state.   

  I was becoming only slightly aware of possible legal ramifications but pushed them aside because the tantra teachers never addressed the law.  Some of my clients said they were worried for me about the legal risks I was taking.  I couldn’t fathom the police paying any attention to me...   

 A long term relationship comes to an abrupt end when a third person is inserted.    Truly, it was not his fault that I’d become emotionally and financially codependent upon him. But that was the reality. I was devastated. How would I survive? Josh had always promised me that financial angst was a thing of the past; that I would never find myself in that situation again. I trusted him to keep that promise.  

A depiction of the saga of the mental health system’s complete incompetence as I experienced it in 2018 when I made the error of weaning myself from my medication.  I headed down a dangerous road when I became very interested in natural remedies. The therapist should have seen the red flag waving in front of her face when I said that I had begun tapering my meds. 

 A COVID Relationship Halted by Alcoholism  Chemistry was forming between us. It was not something that was even remotely foretold, at least on my part. I was very surprised at this turn of events. He began to appear quite attractive.

In this memoir you'll meet some remarkable men who supported me and influenced me over the course of my life, from middle school through recent years.   From the romantic to the therapeutic to the artistic interests.  These were the Jewish men who helped me navigate life and I didn't even include Jesus!

I had my own style.  I didn’t read fashion magazines.  I wasn’t trendy.  I was me and that was obviously pissing some people off.  Add that to the list of things people already found annoying about me - social awkwardness, the ability to say no, and a tendency to say what was on my mind.  My list of long-lasting friends never grew much over the years.   

 Up until recently, I have had many moments of loving life, but I always hesitated to declare my love for it.  I hadn’t felt it was true for me but didn’t have an answer to why this was so.   Not until I consciously realized that I do indeed trust life, finally. It had proven itself to me that it would never cast me off in abandonment. I now know this for certain. I feel ownership when I state that I, Elaine Miles, love life.  

"I’m glad we are finally going to the ocean more in the summer.  It’s the best place to be on a hot day.  Some people think that the ocean is dirty, and they never go.  If they did go, they would see how clean it is.  Sometimes I can even see my feet.  I even saw dolphins, and someone said that a whale was even seen". Little Elaine

Estrangement is not always a terrible thing. It’s not an easy pill to swallow, but it brings with it a certain amount of freedom. You have been given permission to take a shot at life in a brand-new way. You can wallow in self-pity, or you can see it for what it is – the forced pruning of expectations which made you hide yourself.

The skiing accident could have killed me. So could’ve the fall off a cliff.      

 I was suddenly thrown backwards as the car was put in reverse. It dragged my body a good five feet before she applied the brake. Lying there waiting for an ambulance I said to my son, “go up in the kitchen and get me my medicine”.  I took two valiums, planning for my ER visit knowing that I’d be agitated and ignored.  

 By the time COVID rolled around I knew that the mainstream media provided half-truths. I had endured medical malpractice so severe it almost permanently stole my dignity and threatened to bury me alive.  

 There are people who go down these paths only to become severely depressed. Others begin having anxiety attacks. Many have to walk away to remain on an even keel. Many more cannot handle the truth.   

 “I don’t know anyone who cashes in on insurance policies like you,” my friend Barry said. “Well, they should. That’s what there meant for.” If I needed the proverbial societal safety net, I didn’t hesitate to apply for that either. This was a dog-eat-dog world, and I was fending for myself. As a child, I’d never asked my parents for anything and wasn’t going to start now.   

I cannot imagine demands placed upon me. I cannot imagine living with criticism or judgement. The other aspect of a relationship that makes me uncomfortable and zaps my energy is the constant observations that I too would make about someone else. Watching a sitcom? Oh no! The news? Not in my house! When I go to bed at night it’s to read and then fall asleep. It is not the time to engage in a physical activity, thank you very much. “You snore. You’ll have to sleep in the spare bedroom.” Yeah, that’ll be a fun discourse to have. “I’d rather not meet your children and their children, if you don’t mind.” I am too precious for any of that. I have a mission to keep becoming. That sustains me and brings me joy. I have harnessed the capacity to create love for myself.   

 “All you need to post is a nude photo and a bank statement.” said the comedian, Joe DeVito. I must agree. Cut to the chase. Who are we trying to kid? Online dating became a constant source of bewilderment.